COMMENT: AbhiAsh give Hurley the blues

Toe Knee

Poor Liz Hurley. Surely it was stupid to get married the same year as Bollywood's hottest couple. Miffed pop-in-law notwithstanding, Hurley and hubby Arun didn't quite stand a chance against the AbhiAsh juggernaut. Coz the wedding of Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai generated enough buzz to keep the paparazzi busy and relegate Hurley's Jodhpur nuptials to the archives.

There is no dearth of drama when someone from Bollywood ties the knot and the AbhiAsh marriage was no exception. A woman by the name of Jahnvi Kapoor staged a suicide drama in front of the Bachchan residence, claiming that the Junior B had ditched her after having what she termed "physical relation". God alone knows what the truth is but it certainly appears as if Jahnvi is suffering from delusions.

That's not all, an Abhishek lookalike fooled star-struck security guards and walked right up to Aishwarya's eight-floor flat to convey his good wishes. He was caught else who knows - Aishwarya might just have married the wrong guy.

The media lapped up the controversy, even enjoying their share of the limelight when a couple of snap-happy photographers were thrashed by securitymen for coming in the way of a car ferrying the Bachchans. Senior Bachchan apologised the next day, giving the media another opportunity to play up the incident.

I bet Hurley's wishing she had harnessed media attention better. All you need is a divorce, Liz and another stint at Jodhpur so that you can learn from your mistakes.

(This article first posted here)

COMMENT: Kiss and Tell

Toe Knee

The mere mention of Richard Gere makes most women go weak in the knees. Some would give an arm and a leg to touch the Pretty Woman star and many, I am sure, would have stooped at nothing to be in Shilpa Shetty's shoes at that magical moment on Sunday evening when Gere gathered the Celebrity Big Brother winner in his arms and smothered her with kisses.

Shilpa didn't look too upset either - grinning from ear to ear when Gere finally released her from his embrace. The storm in a teacup became a whirlpool a few hours later when Gere was accused of hurting Indian sensibilities and protesters (many of them probably upset they can never dream of getting a chance to lay lips on Shilpa) busy burning effigies as self-appointed custodians of Indian culture.

But as everybody knows, there's no such thing as bad publicity. Here's a tongue-in-cheek look at what may happen in the near future -

Gere lawyer: Your honour, my client Richard Gere claims monetary damages from accused Shilpa Shetty
Shilpa lawyer: And may I ask why?
Gere lawyer: Well, while Gere's career has gone down the drain, the kiss controversy has given Shilpa's waning Big Brother fame a new lease of life
Shilpa lawyer: I object, Your Honour. Gere's recent films were duds in any case - Shilpa or no Shilpa.
Gere lawyer: Ok, I grant you that but didn't the episode bring Shilpa suddenly into the public eye and get her ads, films and charity show invites
Shilpa lawyer: And wasn't Shilpa's modesty - unruffled when Jade Goody called her a lot of @$#*%! names - outraged when Gere shifted gears a bit too fast
Gere lawyer: Many woman would pay to have Gere do stuff to them
Shilpa lawyer: Shilpa already had Dirk (Benedict). She doesn't need Gere to spice things up
Judge: Stop it, I pronounce both Gere and Shilpa guilty of making fools of themselves in public. Gere sentenced to three years of doing inane Bollywood films and an additional year for each kiss he steals from his leading ladies. Shilpa hereby banished to Hollywood for special classes in wardrobe malfunction (the Janet Jackson academy), being rich and crazy (the Paris Hilton school) and bald and beautiful (the Britney Spears institution)
Protester: But what of the truck drivers who witnessed the kisses? What of the mental trauma they had to undergo?
Judge: In addition, both Gere and Shilpa have to personally adopt each potential AIDS victim left unnoticed in the kissing brouhaha
Protester: Who cares about getting adopted? Each person present at the Sunday gathering (including me) should get a chance to kiss Shilpa, only then can justice be served
Spectators: Hear! Hear!

(This article originally posted here)